I need to talk about stickers. Somebody has to be brave enough to do it right? I believe that there is a sticker mafia. How else do you explain the self-adhesive crap retailers and manufacturers stick onto everything they make or sell?
You can rip, tear, peel, scratch, rub or scrub it off….. SOMETIMES. That’s just wrong. And fucking annoying. You can’t even do that many things to a chair. Random eh…. I was going to say vagina but thought it inappropriate, like stickers. Inappropriate or inaccurate, I forget.
I had the joyful task of removing stickers from some new plastic containers last weekend. Some peeled off with ease, others started with a hint of ease and then immediately gave me the finger in the form of thin fuzzy paper left on the glue. Then there were those stickers that 3 years from now will still be on the containers, the print will be gone after a few washes, but that sticker will be for life.
Worst of the lot though is the sticker that takes immense energy and time to pry off your product, and then it leaves just the glue. And it sticks to everything! It will eventually make its own grey snotballs that you can rub and play with and good fucking luck getting the sticky mess off your fingers.
To assist in the task of rendering my new containers sticker-free I raided Sir’s private scullery cupboard to find a magical glue-removing chemical. I found the familiar purple liquid, and wondered why he would have 5 liters of it, marked ‘Cabernet Meffs’. I steered clear of his mixes marked ‘Formula X’ fearing that my nipples could fall off or worse, my eyebrows could disappear forever.
The Cabernet Meffs is really good for this sticky job, but then you start on the shiny new batter dispensing jug that cost almost as much as a well used scooter in Delhi, and all hell breaks loose. First of all, more than 80% of the jug is covered by a gigantic gaudy sticker on steroids. Secondly, there was no instruction anywhere to only clean the jug with cotton wool balls and milk.
Result? A jug that looks like someone spent three months scrubbing it with steel wool, or like it’s been passed down through seven generations. The latter is quite daft because seven generations ago the hi-tech kitchen gadget for dispensing just the right amount of batter was a spoon.
Seriously, I despise stickers! Addis? Woolworths? W.T.F.? The list of guilty sticker-stickers is too long to list. I bought beautiful glass cupboard doorknobs from Nap. They took the basic price sticker concept to new heights by also wrapping meters of cellotape around the base of the knob (bet you this phrase puts my post on a few million porn search results) to make sure their little one square centimetre price sticker does not come off. EVER.
It is time for all the sticker-jockeys to evolve and embrace the organic, save the planet, say-no-to-stickers drive and find new ways to mark their wares. I would rather remove tags made from recycled toilet paper tied to the product with cleaned umbilical cords than spend hours scraping stickers and inhaling noxious chemical fumes to get rid of glue residues!
Oh and perhaps Addis and Woolworths and co could hook up with the people who make masking tape and swap their glue recipes. Just a thought.
I would like to tell all the sticker-frenzied retailers and manufacturers to just stick it, but FFS, please DON’T!!!