Why, Let’s do scones

Calling on engineers, scientists, electricians, beauticians and greedy cellular shitproviders to answer the questions I ponder when I’m rubbing butter into flour to make a fresh batch of scones….

  • Why does yoghurt hiss and spit at me whenever I open a tub?
  • Why do Joburg traffic lights slip into a coma whenever more than five drops of rain fall, but perpetually wet and rainy London’s traffic lights have a different work ethic?
  • Why don’t cellular shitproviders sink some of their obscene profits into upgrading infrastructure so that more than 10 people can make calls at any given time….. eh? Seriously, surprise us with one day free of “Call Failed / No Service / Network Busy”.
  • Why didn’t anybody buy Gill Marcus some eyeliner and lipstick for Xmas? Seriously Gilly, the lovely shade of red in the rims of your eyes should be on your lippies and a little dash of eyeliner and mascara would do you the world of good. It’s not like we expect you to wax your balls but FFS please make an effort with the face that is so frequently in the public eye! If you’re the ‘organic’ type who likes to roll your own tampons out of pine tree bark I’m sure you can find some natural tree-sap lippie in alluring shades like Binnepoespink or Roadkill Red? Just…. Please tannie, ‘cos you scare the shit out of me.

That’s enough to ponder for one batch of scones.

So…. Scones. I’m talking about the homemade kind. Crusty on the outside, melt-in-the-mouth light and fluffy on the inside. Not the strange yellow blocks of weirdness they try to pass off as scones at far too many coffee shops. You know the kind that they reheat in a microwave, that weigh slightly more than your handbag and taste like dampened flour and baking soda? Yes those that stick to the roof of your mouth and are impossible to get out from between your teeth and cheeks if morsels find their way in there. Gross.

I remember trying every scone recipe I came across, trying to bake the perfect scone but always ending up feeling mildly / very / what-a-total-waste of ingredients disappointed…., until I found THE ONE. I have been using this recipe for more than 15 years, and it’s worth sharing! I am trying to work out the best way to record my recipes to post here on my blog. First doing it in PowerPoint and then copying across does not seem to be ideal.

  • 240g Cake flour
  • 1 Large egg
  • 15ml Baking powder
  • 125ml Milk
  • 2ml Salt
  • 25ml Sugar
  • 50g Butter
  • Preheat oven to 220°C.
  • Sift together all the dry ingredients except the sugar.
  • Rub the butter into the flour mixture with your fingertips which are hopefully clean. If not, lick them clean first. The mixture should resemble breadcrumbs. DON’T rub too much. Yourself yes. Scone dough no.
  • Lightly beat the milk, egg and sugar together and then cut into the crumbly mix using a blunt knife. (Leave 1 teaspoon of the wet mix to brush the tops of the scones before baking).
  • Don’t overmanipulate the dough, cut and mix with a knife until all the ingredients are just incorporated.
  • Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and press or roll it out to 2cm thick. No need for a ruler, 2 average fingers are an adequate measure. Horizontally of course. If using a gorilla’s fingers it’s best to measure to 1 finger and not 2.
  • Cut out scones to desired size using scone cutters, or cookie cutters, or a knife, or a cup , and place on a greased baking tray. You can dust the tray with flour if you wish. It helps if the tray is ugly. Be a rebel and eat a piece of the raw leftover dough cutoffs and hope your eggs are fresh and salmonella-free.
  • Brush the tops with a bit of egg and milk wash. Just the tops, otherwise your scones end up looking like crooked slinkies. Pisa Scones. Sometimes they’re all premenstrual and just rise awkwardly like they had polio at some stage anyway.
  • Bake in a preheated oven at 220°C for 10 to 12 minutes.
  • Serve warm with jam and whipped cream.

8 thoughts on “Why, Let’s do scones

  1. I just snorted coffee through my nose with your description of those lipstick colours!! I must admit that “binne…..” is one of my favourite colour descriptions, mostly met with looks of absolute shock and horror!! Or the words, aiiii SIES!!! ROFL!!!!!!!!!!

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