I have created this section to post random whackjob letters and emails written by Sir, which I’ve managed to save over the years. I’ll post something every week, time permitting.
The following is a letter Sir wrote to a Greek friend of his in 2008:
My dear friend of Hellenic descent, I write to wish you a good 2008, where money of a serious currency finds you; sexually you find satisfaction like a goat shepherd with a large and willing herd, and healthwise you start to look like those happy fucking families in vitamin advertisements.
All that said and done, I am afraid some chastising is in order….. A few days ago I saw you and your father driving in that old Mercedes Sports car of yours that one only really sees old 60’s porn stars still driving, wearing bad sunglasses and a lot of gold. Of course, at first I was embarrassed and I thought of ducking under my steering wheel to avoid eye contact but this would have been a silly move as avoiding the incautious manner our minibus mass transporters drive could also have been stupid.
So I decided to brave embarrassment and waved proudly at my old friend, who not only is deaf but evidently equally as blind. I did not notice you waving a white stick in front of your lame steed, so I surmise you drive with the trusted bump and avoid method.
I also sadly noticed (since watching CSI MIAMI and its spin offs I have developed a gift for picking up on detail) that your once jet black hair is splashed with a white grey, but I shall not comment further.
You were no doubt in deep conversation with old pops, presumably bitching in that hideous guttural language of yours about crime, Jacob, Thabo, and of course our good friends ESKOM. How I remember those days when we used to have braais at your place and the whole hairy-backed family would break out in hating our esteemed politicians and the countless criminals, your mother occasionally going off at a tangent and proudly showing her pace with Weber’s newest and latest spare part.
We, (my fine wife and I) also had the scourge touch us…. Carnivores as we are we decided to go have a bite at The Hindquarter in Craighall, and we sat down to order food and generally be merry, I went to the gents and donated some of my finest urine, shook the little man, washed diligently (hands), wrestled with the paper towel as the air drier was being held to ransom by ESKOM, and in my usual debonair way left the gents, walking into utter chaos.
One look at my wife I noticed something was amiss and also the subtle words of my lady..”GET THE FUCK DOWN SHIT IS HAPPENING HERE”, made me realize the situation was not exactly lending itself to culinary pleasantries. In my absence 4 or 5 armed Neanderthals came in, pistol-whipping staff and patrons taking bags, cell phones, jewellery etc, beating an elderly woman and fleeing, shooting at a car complete with two kids, thankfully missing.
As you can imagine this left us perturbed, my wife in particular, who is a quivering mass of nerves, which in a strange way is quite funny because she is a little chubby and the quivering often makes me chortle which makes her furious. On the upside this shivering and quivering makes for very good sex, and thank God we have purchased a VIBROSHAPE BELT to counteract these movements for eating and other such activities.
However I do think we should actually meet soon, I swear to speak slowly and clearly, and am brushing up on my sign language.
I hope this email finds you well.
LOVE AND KISSES