Stoned Friday

I woke up on Friday morning with a terrible pain in my jaw and in front of my ear. Anti-inflammatory painkiller – no effect. Hot compress – no effect. Massage and sweet-talk…… nada, so I walked around pulling faces and trying to ease the pain by imitating “Dog eating peanut butter”.

By midday the left side of my face was swollen to chipmunkian (YES it is a word now…) proportions. I jumped into my car, placed the chipmunkian jaw on the passenger seat, and went to the doctor hoping he’d issue a Cease and Desist Order to the unwelcome intruders causing my discomfort.

Apparently I was stoned. My salivary gland to be more precise, and said motherfucker calcium stone blocked my salivary duct, causing all the pain and a face that scared even blind children. I was still nursing a vile dose of flu, taking antibiotics and antivirals to fight off the little terrorists that resided within, and left the doc’s rooms with a script for yet more tablets, and an instruction to suck on lemons. I filled the script at the chemist, bought a bag of lemons, and headed home. Sir said something about “Well if sucking will help you………” I wasn’t paying attention, but I think he was offering me some of the mountains of chocolate in his bedside drawer.

I did not realise that everytime I put a wedge of lemon in my mouth, it was like releasing an army of miniature surgeons with scalpels in hand, to shave enamel off my teeth, and by Saturday one kind of pain was replaced by a different kind of discomfort. Besides feeling a bit bruised and battered, my jaw was almost back to its old 44 year old self again, and my teeth got treated with generous lashings of toothpaste for sensitive teeth, applied with my fingers like a soothing ointment…….

In the meantime, the NUMSA strike continues. Our business operations came to a grinding halt three weeks ago and there seems to be no imminent resolution to the impasse between union and employer groups. The behaviour of the marauding masses of strikers has been deplorable, doing nothing to garner sympathy for their cause. I for one feel less than fuckall for them after witnessing this barbaric savage behaviour. It has turned the focus from a need for a decent wage to the basic criminality and short-sightedness of those who DO have jobs in a country with an unemployment rate in excess of 25%.

Light-bulb moment! Haaibo!!! South African strikers / protestors / picketers / marauding masses engaging in barbarism (*now I’m humming tune of BA-BA-BA… BA-BARBARA-ANN!*) do seem to love their sticks! Seriously, WTF! Wherever mass gatherings are to take place, Sir and I could pull in with our little retail wagon, I envisage something like a hotdog cart, but we sell sticks. Short ones, long ones, thick ones, thin ones, painted sticks, beaded sticks, sticks with slogans and sticks with quotes……. We’ll make a fucking killing – with sticks! We could call it “Sticky Issues”. Sticks and puns may break my buns……….

And right now is the perfect time – since we cannot work at the moment and need an alternate source of income…… we could sell to the very people preventing us from producing. (*Now humming ISN’T IT IRONIC?!*)

Why does this pattern exist in South Africa? Why do strikers in all industries behave like violent vandalising scum? Why does the Government stand by watching this with drool dribbling onto their pure silk ties and/or leopard skins? Why not employ decency and intellect? Isn’t it the better way to get enormous support for a cause? The union bosses and employer groups should also, like the striking members, receive no salaries for the duration of these strikes – then perhaps negotiations would be done with more urgency and realism rather than what we perceive to be a “Who has a bigger dick” contest…… Just saying.

I do not understand the lack of economic sense either. Workers strike for extended periods on a no-work-no-pay basis. They then get the increases agreed upon between employer groups and unions, but chances are that their overall annual income is in fact LOWER than the previous year because of the income lost during the strike. The strikes generally impact very negatively on the economy, especially now, with South Africa already showing lacklustre growth and manufacturing figures, and the highest inflation rate since 2010. Prices will go up to compensate for the sad state of the economy, further pushing up the inflation rate, thus swallowing up whatever ‘increase’ workers got, and then some. So rand-for-rand, with a 10% increase, people will have less this year than they did last year. Doesn’t that equate to “Paying to make them pay”? Isn’t this common sense? Isn’t this logic? Or does logic not prevail in Africa?

All this drama has made me feel Oats-so peckish, time to make some crunchies……..

Delicious Oat Crunchies


  • 3 Cups Dessicated Coconut (which, when off, tastes like soap) 
  • 1 Cup Cake Flour (which feels so lekker to twirl your fingers around in)
  • 4 Cups Oats (which makes good floaters)
  • 1 ½ Cups Sugar (which the carb-haters are now branding the new poisonous drug – fuckoff already!)
  • 3ml Salt (which is suddenly regarded as not so evil after all)
  • 5ml Cinnamon (which is to men what vanilla is to women – boner spice)
  • 227g Butter (which is apparently also a big hero again and preferable to margarine! Yay can’t wait for pork fat to take the title!)
  • 3Tbsp Golden Syrup (which my late dad used to eat on a 6mm thick slice of butter on a 6mm thick slice of bread.)
  • 2Tbsp Bicarb (which my friend Barbs used instead of toothpaste during her “Anti-Consumerism” phase….. she also stopped using deodorant then…. I think it was really a “Keep people at continent’s length” phase… Not sure if it’s ended yet, too scared to get close enough to find out.)
  • ¼ Cup Milk (which should be the full cream dairy variety, not goat’s milk, or soya crap, or lactose free…… FFS, have you noticed how many more ‘issues’ people have with foods the more variety becomes available? Refer to anti-consumerism spiel above. Somebody magically has the exact ‘cure’ for ailments hardly anybody had before……… gluten intolerance? Really? All you need to do, is fart. Let it out. Don’t blame the fucking gluten. Stop holding in your farts!)



  • Preheat oven to 180⁰C.
  • Combine all the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl.
  • Dissolve the bicarb in the milk, set aside.
  • Melt the butter, stir in the syrup, and then stir it into the dry mix.
  • Add the milk and bicarb and mix well.
  • Press the mixture into a medium sized baking sheet (the mixture must be about 1cm thick)
  • Bake for 20 minutes.
  • Cut into squares while it’s still warm, and then remove from the pan and allow to cool completely.
  • Store in an airtight container.

Leprachaun Sex

Another crazy letter from Sir, this one written to my uncle, the Baron, a couple of years ago.


Dear Baron,

‘Tis obligatory that I wish you and yours a good year, however, I must add quickly that I do not do so very eagerly. I only do so because of the hideous manner in which we are related, and marriage forces me to be “PC” to family.

I also wish to confirm that 10% of any winnings (lotto or other), and/or tax refunds and/or raffles you may enjoy are mine. I am entitled to this because there is somewhere an unwritten African law that says so and this argument of mine will hold up well in any self-respecting “Kangaroo Court”; failing to do so will cause me to become violent and I can do so in the single beat of a Cow Hide Drum. I can change from a docile Italian to a malicious Zulu Warrior with ease and I look menacing wearing my Gucci Leopard Skin and waving my Assegai like deranged Juventus fan.

I hear you asking “What has got into this little Italian Pr***?”..Well good man I shall tell you.

You Mr Baron are a sell-out. You come to our house in December (the 25th to be exact), donning Superga Sneakers (loafers, casual shoes) just a f****** fancy name for “tekkies” – not only did I find them very gay, I also found them very loud. Nooooooooogal they were the so-called “FLAG SHOES” representing the Italian flag…..Personally I think the “tekkie” looks like it kicked a menstruating woman in the front and got Butt f***** by a Leprachaun in the back.

Over and above this you feign to admire all things Italian, from their food to their cars, you purchasing the MiTo drives my point home quite nicely. To add fuel to this little fire you openly chastised me for wanting to own an Audi R8 and you gaaaaaned aan about how un-Italian I am, and that I am a traitor to my nation. But it is not this criticism that painted you a sell-out. It is the news that you have decided to go holiday in France.

Well knock me down with a plume. Why not Italy I ask, to savour proper food and not the cream riddled garlic-laced fancy named kak that the Phraanch call food. I mean this is a nation that eats amphibians’ limbs as a delicacy. In Italy we have true museums and art galleries, unlike the Upmarket Huguenots who needed to steal Leonardo’s Moaning Lisa, to attract dumb tourists like you are soon to be.

We have cars such as FERRARI, MASERATI, ALFA ROMEO and others. What do the Baguette Fuckers have….????

Me thinks that you are an Arty Farty French Gay wannabe, your dream is to drive a Citroen 2CV through “Gay Pari” with Edith Piaf blaring from its miserable speakers, all this with you wearing a Beret and smoking Gauloises (incidently made from fine, slightly dried French Donkey Excrement) and enjoying pretentious wine.

All Jokes aside I am a little green with envy and wish to forward a few pointers for your trip:

  • I am fully aware of your Aviophobia but I shall endeavour to be subtle. As we speak, 4 (four) A380 are grounded (viva the French viva). If I were you I would rather travel to Gauteng in your more trustworthy (Italian Built) MiTo where I could take you to Zoo Lake and kill two birds with one stone, namely you can bag a ladyboy in one of the toilets and secondly we can a set up some clever snares and catch a few “Paddas” which I will gladly braai for you in a delectable SEFRICAN Chutney Marinade and copious amounts of Aromat. And by golly with my finely honed catapult skills I can get us a lekker duck from the lake – that basted with a few brush strokes of Oros will be as good as any Duck L’orange the Eiffeltown has to offer.
  • Bring tons of Euros.
  • If the French do manage to get their sitting ducks off the ground and you do get to Paris I suggest you bring your own soap, as I am sure you know the French wash even less then the British.
  • Bring tons of €.
  • Do not sit next to men whose underwear auto-combusts.
  • Bring tons of €.
  • Do not sit next to men who look like they played a lot of Flight Simulator.
  • Bring tons of €.
  • Fly SAA. French Planes fall out of the sky like flying ants at dusk.
  • The best car rental to use in France is,…wait for it…………………is a company called ES CAR GO …………………….