Another crazy letter from Sir, this one written to my uncle, the Baron, a couple of years ago.
‘Tis obligatory that I wish you and yours a good year, however, I must add quickly that I do not do so very eagerly. I only do so because of the hideous manner in which we are related, and marriage forces me to be “PC” to family.
I also wish to confirm that 10% of any winnings (lotto or other), and/or tax refunds and/or raffles you may enjoy are mine. I am entitled to this because there is somewhere an unwritten African law that says so and this argument of mine will hold up well in any self-respecting “Kangaroo Court”; failing to do so will cause me to become violent and I can do so in the single beat of a Cow Hide Drum. I can change from a docile Italian to a malicious Zulu Warrior with ease and I look menacing wearing my Gucci Leopard Skin and waving my Assegai like deranged Juventus fan.
I hear you asking “What has got into this little Italian Pr***?”..Well good man I shall tell you.
You Mr Baron are a sell-out. You come to our house in December (the 25th to be exact), donning Superga Sneakers (loafers, casual shoes) just a f****** fancy name for “tekkies” – not only did I find them very gay, I also found them very loud. Nooooooooogal they were the so-called “FLAG SHOES” representing the Italian flag…..Personally I think the “tekkie” looks like it kicked a menstruating woman in the front and got Butt f***** by a Leprachaun in the back.
Over and above this you feign to admire all things Italian, from their food to their cars, you purchasing the MiTo drives my point home quite nicely. To add fuel to this little fire you openly chastised me for wanting to own an Audi R8 and you gaaaaaned aan about how un-Italian I am, and that I am a traitor to my nation. But it is not this criticism that painted you a sell-out. It is the news that you have decided to go holiday in France.
Well knock me down with a plume. Why not Italy I ask, to savour proper food and not the cream riddled garlic-laced fancy named kak that the Phraanch call food. I mean this is a nation that eats amphibians’ limbs as a delicacy. In Italy we have true museums and art galleries, unlike the Upmarket Huguenots who needed to steal Leonardo’s Moaning Lisa, to attract dumb tourists like you are soon to be.
We have cars such as FERRARI, MASERATI, ALFA ROMEO and others. What do the Baguette Fuckers have….????
Me thinks that you are an Arty Farty French Gay wannabe, your dream is to drive a Citroen 2CV through “Gay Pari” with Edith Piaf blaring from its miserable speakers, all this with you wearing a Beret and smoking Gauloises (incidently made from fine, slightly dried French Donkey Excrement) and enjoying pretentious wine.
All Jokes aside I am a little green with envy and wish to forward a few pointers for your trip:
- I am fully aware of your Aviophobia but I shall endeavour to be subtle. As we speak, 4 (four) A380 are grounded (viva the French viva). If I were you I would rather travel to Gauteng in your more trustworthy (Italian Built) MiTo where I could take you to Zoo Lake and kill two birds with one stone, namely you can bag a ladyboy in one of the toilets and secondly we can a set up some clever snares and catch a few “Paddas” which I will gladly braai for you in a delectable SEFRICAN Chutney Marinade and copious amounts of Aromat. And by golly with my finely honed catapult skills I can get us a lekker duck from the lake – that basted with a few brush strokes of Oros will be as good as any Duck L’orange the Eiffeltown has to offer.
- Bring tons of Euros.
- If the French do manage to get their sitting ducks off the ground and you do get to Paris I suggest you bring your own soap, as I am sure you know the French wash even less then the British.
- Bring tons of €.
- Do not sit next to men whose underwear auto-combusts.
- Bring tons of €.
- Do not sit next to men who look like they played a lot of Flight Simulator.
- Bring tons of €.
- Fly SAA. French Planes fall out of the sky like flying ants at dusk.
- The best car rental to use in France is,…wait for it…………………is a company called ES CAR GO …………………….