I am simply Desire. Light, intense, frivolous, sometimes angry, mostly totally inappropriate. Married to Sir, who often behaves like a hyperactive adolescent monkey and between us we have three grownup kids, or as Sir calls them, “The Porsche-, The Ferrari-, The Bentley- I could have had”.
After years of being told that I have some OCD tendencies it’s easier to just agree than to try and explain that I am just the fucking rockstar of organisational skills. And I do prefer to call it Compulsive Disorder of Obsession – the letters remain in alphabetical order that way.
Come to think of it, should it not be COO? Compulsive Obsession with Order? I think the “Disorder” makes the phrase an oxymoron. I suffer from no disorder at all! Everything is in its exact place, my clothes are folded on a template so that everything is the same width, everything is colour coded, hangers are spaced a finger-width apart, and all my shelves are labelled, even the ones in the fridge.
When we entertain, Sunday lunches at our place are epic events, and we only ever gather at our home, we don’t even know where some of our friends live. Sir says our friends keep coming back because of our
sparkling personalities totally inappropriate behaviour and the fact that we just blurt out things most people only think about but would never dare utter. Is it wrong that our friends know that my vagina’s name is The Kumquat (not so orange, it just kumquat a lot)?
I love cooking and baking, and received the following message from a guest after one of our epic lunches : “Great lunch! Rumour has it that Gordon Ramsay wanted you as a partner but apparently you swear too much.” Well. We do. Swear too much that is….. But what the fuck, it’s part of our irresistible charm.
Billy Connolly waxed lyrical about the incredible therapeutic value of a good solid FUCK, or was that Dr Ruth? I’m quite sure she held the very same belief. So, to my one friend who whines about the swearing, I hope you step on a Lego and stub your little toe against something hard in the dark of night, and if the best you can come up with then is “Oh gosh. Ouch”, then it’s time for you to be put down.
But this is supposed to be “About” me, so here’s a random summary:
- I have an irrational fear of heights and would rather hold a big hairy spider than be 6 feet off the ground. I dangled upside down from a cliffside when I decided to abseil to ‘face the fear’. Well that’s pretty much magnified and cemented into my psyche for the rest of time now.
- I’ve done (and loved) white water rafting. Awesome!
- I was engaged twice before meeting Sir online almost 17 years ago in a chatroom called ‘Love Stinks’. I found online socialising safer than real life as I was being stalked at the time.
- I like very green bananas and my dad and I used to eat dozens of green rock-hard peaches from my grandmother’s peach tree to compete for the prize of Strongest Stomach.
- I once tumbled head-first off a bed during marathon sex and hurt my back and told people I was limping for a week because I fell off my exercise bike.
- I once scared the holy shit out of an almost-mother-in-law when she entered our room one night to ask if we wanted anything from the kitchen. I didn’t jump up and scream “BOOO!!!”. I was tied to the bed, naked, and my then fiancé was fast asleep because he had no party stamina. So I taught someone to “Knock first”.
- I once sang “Memories” over an office intercom thinking I was holding on for the kitchen – the intercom looked like a normal phone. Bummer.
- I broke up with my very first boyfriend because he was…… too blonde. Blonde silken hair, and to this day I cannot recall his real name, only his nickname – Snowy. He was that blonde. I broke up with another blondie, but I’m sure his name was partly to blame, so, never again did I date a blonde, or anyone called Hamish.
- After a night of prank calls I agreed to a blind date with a Blind guy – no, he owned a window blinds company. We planned to meet in a busy place before dinner – in case he was some psycho. He said he was 4 feet tall with mousy brown hair and watery eyes. I thought he was being modest. He wasn’t. He was in a wheelchair. I was not equipped to deal with this. It was the longest night of my life. Time CAN stand still.
- I studied journalism and worked in PR in healthcare and still miss it! Left that creative job to work with Sir, and started studying accounting, dropping out with a year to go due to an overwhelming avalanche of shit consuming all my motivation. I still have no desire to finish that last stretch. I got the highest marks for Economics, I.T. and Company Law and was invited to a special awards evening at Wits. I did not go. I dropped out and that was that. No regrets. Life’s too short.
- I am a big fan of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s prose and have an old leather-bound collection of his works.
- I love music and no matter what I’m doing, chances are I’m quietly singing to myself or loudly singing along to anything on my radio or iPod. It drives Sir batty. Cashiers in shops always ask me if I’m very happy or having a great day.
- I am learning to read sheet music and play keyboard. Just for the absolute pleasure and love of it! It’s been on my bucket list for years, so Sir and my stepdaughter Snaphappy conspired and bought me a Yamaha electric Baby Grand. How lucky am I? Must feed the brain some fertilizer once in a while so I can avoid one day needing a Someecard that says “I may have Alzheimer’s but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s”. Fuckin A.
- I am also learning to speak Italian because it is time to move on from just being able to swear fluently in the language, and besides, I would like to know what the in-laws say about me on Sunday mornings.
- I don’t ever test and taste any food I prepare unless it’s curry. I just wing it and hope that the seasoning is fine. It usually is.
- I can cook anything, but am the fussiest eater on the planet, which makes me the most frustrating guest to have over for a meal.
- I’ve been burgled three times, suffered a home robbery and have been robbed of my handbag with a gun stuck to my forehead.
- I love beautiful notebooks and have a serious fetish for fine perfumes.
- I prefer pens to jewellery and don’t have an engagement or wedding ring. I’d rather have more pens.
So there you have it. Just a normal girl nextdoor.