Stoned Friday

I woke up on Friday morning with a terrible pain in my jaw and in front of my ear. Anti-inflammatory painkiller – no effect. Hot compress – no effect. Massage and sweet-talk…… nada, so I walked around pulling faces and trying to ease the pain by imitating “Dog eating peanut butter”.

By midday the left side of my face was swollen to chipmunkian (YES it is a word now…) proportions. I jumped into my car, placed the chipmunkian jaw on the passenger seat, and went to the doctor hoping he’d issue a Cease and Desist Order to the unwelcome intruders causing my discomfort.

Apparently I was stoned. My salivary gland to be more precise, and said motherfucker calcium stone blocked my salivary duct, causing all the pain and a face that scared even blind children. I was still nursing a vile dose of flu, taking antibiotics and antivirals to fight off the little terrorists that resided within, and left the doc’s rooms with a script for yet more tablets, and an instruction to suck on lemons. I filled the script at the chemist, bought a bag of lemons, and headed home. Sir said something about “Well if sucking will help you………” I wasn’t paying attention, but I think he was offering me some of the mountains of chocolate in his bedside drawer.

I did not realise that everytime I put a wedge of lemon in my mouth, it was like releasing an army of miniature surgeons with scalpels in hand, to shave enamel off my teeth, and by Saturday one kind of pain was replaced by a different kind of discomfort. Besides feeling a bit bruised and battered, my jaw was almost back to its old 44 year old self again, and my teeth got treated with generous lashings of toothpaste for sensitive teeth, applied with my fingers like a soothing ointment…….

In the meantime, the NUMSA strike continues. Our business operations came to a grinding halt three weeks ago and there seems to be no imminent resolution to the impasse between union and employer groups. The behaviour of the marauding masses of strikers has been deplorable, doing nothing to garner sympathy for their cause. I for one feel less than fuckall for them after witnessing this barbaric savage behaviour. It has turned the focus from a need for a decent wage to the basic criminality and short-sightedness of those who DO have jobs in a country with an unemployment rate in excess of 25%.

Light-bulb moment! Haaibo!!! South African strikers / protestors / picketers / marauding masses engaging in barbarism (*now I’m humming tune of BA-BA-BA… BA-BARBARA-ANN!*) do seem to love their sticks! Seriously, WTF! Wherever mass gatherings are to take place, Sir and I could pull in with our little retail wagon, I envisage something like a hotdog cart, but we sell sticks. Short ones, long ones, thick ones, thin ones, painted sticks, beaded sticks, sticks with slogans and sticks with quotes……. We’ll make a fucking killing – with sticks! We could call it “Sticky Issues”. Sticks and puns may break my buns……….

And right now is the perfect time – since we cannot work at the moment and need an alternate source of income…… we could sell to the very people preventing us from producing. (*Now humming ISN’T IT IRONIC?!*)

Why does this pattern exist in South Africa? Why do strikers in all industries behave like violent vandalising scum? Why does the Government stand by watching this with drool dribbling onto their pure silk ties and/or leopard skins? Why not employ decency and intellect? Isn’t it the better way to get enormous support for a cause? The union bosses and employer groups should also, like the striking members, receive no salaries for the duration of these strikes – then perhaps negotiations would be done with more urgency and realism rather than what we perceive to be a “Who has a bigger dick” contest…… Just saying.

I do not understand the lack of economic sense either. Workers strike for extended periods on a no-work-no-pay basis. They then get the increases agreed upon between employer groups and unions, but chances are that their overall annual income is in fact LOWER than the previous year because of the income lost during the strike. The strikes generally impact very negatively on the economy, especially now, with South Africa already showing lacklustre growth and manufacturing figures, and the highest inflation rate since 2010. Prices will go up to compensate for the sad state of the economy, further pushing up the inflation rate, thus swallowing up whatever ‘increase’ workers got, and then some. So rand-for-rand, with a 10% increase, people will have less this year than they did last year. Doesn’t that equate to “Paying to make them pay”? Isn’t this common sense? Isn’t this logic? Or does logic not prevail in Africa?

All this drama has made me feel Oats-so peckish, time to make some crunchies……..

Delicious Oat Crunchies


  • 3 Cups Dessicated Coconut (which, when off, tastes like soap) 
  • 1 Cup Cake Flour (which feels so lekker to twirl your fingers around in)
  • 4 Cups Oats (which makes good floaters)
  • 1 ½ Cups Sugar (which the carb-haters are now branding the new poisonous drug – fuckoff already!)
  • 3ml Salt (which is suddenly regarded as not so evil after all)
  • 5ml Cinnamon (which is to men what vanilla is to women – boner spice)
  • 227g Butter (which is apparently also a big hero again and preferable to margarine! Yay can’t wait for pork fat to take the title!)
  • 3Tbsp Golden Syrup (which my late dad used to eat on a 6mm thick slice of butter on a 6mm thick slice of bread.)
  • 2Tbsp Bicarb (which my friend Barbs used instead of toothpaste during her “Anti-Consumerism” phase….. she also stopped using deodorant then…. I think it was really a “Keep people at continent’s length” phase… Not sure if it’s ended yet, too scared to get close enough to find out.)
  • ¼ Cup Milk (which should be the full cream dairy variety, not goat’s milk, or soya crap, or lactose free…… FFS, have you noticed how many more ‘issues’ people have with foods the more variety becomes available? Refer to anti-consumerism spiel above. Somebody magically has the exact ‘cure’ for ailments hardly anybody had before……… gluten intolerance? Really? All you need to do, is fart. Let it out. Don’t blame the fucking gluten. Stop holding in your farts!)



  • Preheat oven to 180⁰C.
  • Combine all the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl.
  • Dissolve the bicarb in the milk, set aside.
  • Melt the butter, stir in the syrup, and then stir it into the dry mix.
  • Add the milk and bicarb and mix well.
  • Press the mixture into a medium sized baking sheet (the mixture must be about 1cm thick)
  • Bake for 20 minutes.
  • Cut into squares while it’s still warm, and then remove from the pan and allow to cool completely.
  • Store in an airtight container.