Cereal Killers and Deadly Supplements

Mmmm, I was just looking at a bird on our bird-feeder in the garden, thinking, “My, what a long beak you have”…….. then I realised I was looking at the arse-end and that was actually a tail feather. Maybe it’s not just that my eyes are nearing 45 years of age, but perhaps it’s all because of food packaging. Or red dyes in Smarties. Maybe it’s the third cup of morning coffee or invisible zappyrays from calculators…….

Enough of the bird-watching already. I am easily distracted by birds and squeaky things today. I am making several brisk trips from the playroom (we call my ‘home office’ the playroom, and Sir’s home office ‘THE OFFICE’…… WTF) to the kitchen because my Sketchers make a funky squeaky noise on the floor tiles. To make it more musical I walk like those self-trained hobbling freaks at every second traffic light in Joburg – and I bet if you threw a snake at those fuckers they’d outrun Hussein Bolt in a 100m sprint.

Onto serious matters though, like why certain foodstuff and health supplement manufacturers have murderous intent towards either the planet or their consumers, or both?

Everybody is on the “Save the Planet” bandwagon. I personally think it is a whole lot of hype and there will probably be another Ice Age or something equally disastrous whether your great aunt uses too much of her aerosol vaginal deodorant or not.

I am glad to see that breakfast cereal and health supplement manufacturers share my view. What I do believe is that we might eventually run out of space to discard all sorts of shit, and empty cereal boxes and supplement bottles qualify as said ‘shit’.

Why are these containers up to ten times bigger than necessary considering the quantity of product they contain? I cannot fathom why 30 little vitamin tablets are sold in 250ml sized bottles when they need just 20ml of space? Why can you shove your arm into a cereal box and only hit actual cereal when your arm is already elbow-deep into the box? Whyyyyyyyy? Are these boxes intended for use as homeless shelters? If so, print that on the box……… “Part A. Collect B, C, D and E to complete your shelter!” Ooorrrrrr……… “Tired of sleeping on gritty hard concrete? Unfold box to use as a barrier between your delicate sunfried skin and the unforgiving earth.” I would feel better about it if I knew there was a noble purpose for the gigantic box afterwards, but if it only ends up taking up a square foot of space in the dustbin, then fuck you Kellogg’s and Co.

Seriously – fuck the planet – my dustbin is filling up much faster than necessary because of inconsiderate manufacturers! AND, not only do I have to dispose of the ridiculous 250ml sized bottle a few miserly vitamins came in, THAT bottle is packaged in a cardboard box!! WTF?! Is this really totally necessary? They print the exact same crap on the cardboard packaging as they do on the bottle inside, so what’s the point of the double-packaging? Are your supplements of such dismal quality that we need to be reminded TWICE of what we are opening? Is there a discount for “unboxed” supplements? I don’t think the extra packaging serves any purpose, because it’s much easier to open than the actual bottle inside which has a tight cellophane-like shrunken seal that requires a hacksaw to get through.

Then you also get supplements, like some of the Omega oil capsules, that are so big they would comfortably fill the 250ml sized bottle, with room to spare, but nooooooooooooo, Mr Vitamin manufacturer has a special 500ml sized bottle for THAT one. So now, for good measure, the vitamin makers want to kill not just the planet, but their consumers too! These caps are like huge bullets, and it’s like swallowing kittens whole. Not that I’ve swallowed whole kittens before – I’m allergic, but if I wasn’t I totally would and it would be like swallowing an Omega 3 capsule from hell.

It’s not just dustbin space that matters, imagine how much cupboard space could be freed up if everything we bought were in appropriately sized containers? Perhaps this is where things went wrong – some arsehole read “…. Inappropriately sized containers…”

Oh no! Don’t even get me started on retailers who insist that you keep all packaging for guarantee purposes when you buy electronic appliances! Perhaps they need a few supplements to get their defunct brains functioning again. Now you’re not even talking about cupboard space – you’re talking an entire room, or a warehouse! And of course the boxes are way way bigger than the appliances inside, because these are packed inside the boxes in a thick half kilometre wide safety buffer made of polystyrene! Whatever happened to just filling out the guarantee card? Manufacturers and retailers have completely lost the fucking plot!

Now it’s time to grab your 250ml container of whipping cream, which actually contains 250ml of whipping cream, sometimes even 257ml, whisk until thick and fabulous, and serve with this simple-to-make but oh-so-delicious apple crumble……..

APPLE CRUMBLE

 

Ingredients:

Crust:

  • 185g Butter
  • 185ml Castor Sugar
  • 5ml Baking Powder
  • 225g Cake Wheat Flour
  • 110ml Cornflour
  • 2ml Salt
  • 1 Jumbo Egg, Beaten


 Filling:

  • 820g Pie Apples (Tinned apples, drained but still wet) 
  • 70ml Seedless Raisins, Currants or Sultanas
  • 7ml Ground Cinnamon
  • 5ml Ground Mixed Spice
  • 180ml Castor Sugar


Method:

  • Preheat oven to 180⁰ Celsius
  • Cream the butter and sugar together well.
  • Sift together the dry ingredients and add to the creamed butter mixture, alternating with the beaten egg.
  • Spoon two thirds of the mixture into a pie dish and press evenly into base and sides. Put the remaining mixture in the fridge until needed.
  • Mix together all the ingredients for the filling and spoon into the uncooked pie shell.
  • Remove the remaining pastry from the fridge, and grate over the filling, covering the top evenly.
  • Bake for 35 minutes. Dust with icing sugar and serve warm with freshly whipped cream.